


Remembering You. Remembering Me.

by Aldyce



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Pain, Post 3x22, Recovered Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-07-27 04:48:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20040178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aldyce/pseuds/Aldyce
Summary: Clary has been waiting for her first art show since she was a child. However when she notices a beautiful blond man watching her with the most mesmerising eyes, the night takes a turn she had never expected. And she finds herself having to fight a battle with the highest stakes ever. Her mind.Not only must she win the fight but she also has to survive the battle.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is my baby and also my first time writting Clace.  
Hope you like it ❤

He watched her from across the room. It had been a week since he had last visited, Simon’s words ringing in his ears and keeping him away.  
He hadn’t been able to keep away today. Jace would fight Raziel himself if it meant he could be there to witness Clary’s first art show. Even if she didn’t recognise him.  
His heart swelled as he watched the mundanes admire her work. He could recognise every single one of them.  
The shores of lake Lin, where she had almost lost him.  
His brother’s wedding, where he had lost her.  
It was at that moment that she looked up and met his gaze. She was staring right at him, as if she could see him. Jace could feel the panic start to set in. He had always been so careful to make sure he was always glamored, that she couldn’t see him. He couldn’t tell if it was fear or ecstasy that coursed through his veins as she walked up to him and spoke to him for the first time in over a year.  
Her hair was different and so were her clothes. But when she spoke; Jace could swear she was still his Clary. He didn’t register the words she spoke, his mind overwhelmed by the sound of her voice and the movement of her lips.  
Opening his mouth to answer, he could think of only one question. A statement.  
“You can see me.”  
The confusion was clear in the redhead’s eyes but her dazzling smile never left her face.  
“Yeah of course I can see you.”  
The beautiful woman, that he knew so well was watching him intently. Her eyes full of curiosity and questions but void of recognition.  
Jace couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t face her, Simon had been right, intervening with the will of the angels was dangerous. For Clary. And the one thing he could not survive was if Clary where to get hurt. Losing her love had broken him into pieces but if the world were to lose her light, he would be obliterated, for how could he possibly exist in a world in which she did not.  
“_You have to let her be, Jace, you have to_.” those words had been tormenting him since Simon had spoken them. He knew them to be true. Deep down he truly did know that but it was that very knowledge that was tearing him apart. His heart simply could not comprehend it. She was his heart. He could not let her be. Surely if one was to simply leave their heart, they would die. How could they possibly continue living on without it.  
And yet he knew it to be true, especially if she could see him. The angels had taken her sight, and now more than ever he had to keep her safe from their spite.  
And so he turned and walked. He ignored the screams of his soul demanding it stay next to its other half and walked.

Once he was finally outside, he could breath, his tears starting to win the fight they had been waging against his eyelids.  
He heard the sound of heels on the gravel behind him but he knew what he couldn’t stop.  
He couldn’t face her.  
“Hey! Hey I’m talking to you!” Clary had followed him outside. Jace couldn’t do this, her voice was ripping his heart in two, he had to keep walking and yet he knew that he could never truly walk away from her. Taking a breath to recompose himself as best he could, Jace turned to face her.  
“Don’t I know you? From somewhere?”  
Jace’s heart skipped a beat at her words. He had been so careful to never let her see him, he was sure this had been the first time she had somehow seen through his glamour.  
He fought hard to keep his hope from destroying him but it had been a losing battle ever since they had locked eyes and he knew it. He forced his heart to beat again and his mind to stop spinning if only long enough to answer her and dispel this situation so he could disappear into the night.  
“No. I don’t think so.”  
“No, I do. I definitely do.” if those words fought hard at the barrier to had built to keep his hope from taking over, the ones that followed, demolished it and his hold over his emotions along with it.  
“You’re Jace? Right?”  
The sound of his name on her tongue, he was powerless to fight the joy that seeped into his heart and spread across his face.  
“Yeah. Yeah I’m Jace.” Clary’s face lit up to match his. She was so beautiful, Jace swore she was the only true real angel he believed in.  
“I’m Clary.” Oh Jace knew. He knew everything about her. He knew the way she would sway on the spot as she painted, music blaring in her ears. He knew the face she made in the morning waking up pressed against his chest. He knew her smile as she would look up and catch him watching her.  
He knew her and at that moment he felt he had never loved her more.

As Jace had been lost in his thoughts, Clary’s eyes had travelled down from his face and to the rune poking out from under the collar of his shirt.  
Her hand drifting towards it as if of it’s own accord and Jace’s breath caught when her fingers where a breath away from his skin. He wanted nothing more than to feel her against his skin but as his heart begged for him to lean in and finally make contact, his brain was firing on all cylinders. It wasn’t his neck she was hesitant to touch but rather the rune on it. And if she could see the rune, then she had broken through the angel’s hold.  
“What are those tattoos on your neck?” she could see them but she didn’t remember the shadow world, didn’t remember him.  
Then their skin finally met. Everything stopped, Jace was finally home. The world had been devoid of any color for a year and it that instant everything lit up and the world was beautiful once again. Meeting her eyes, his heart soared as he watched the emotions flash across her face, there for a minute and then replaced by another.  
Confusion.  
Fear.  
Disbelief.  
Hope.  
Joy.  
And finally. Love.  
Jace saw the love shine out of the eyes of the person he loved most in the world and he was complete. He was whole.

***

Clary had led Jace back to her apartment where they had talked late into the night. Clary had a lot of questions and Jace could never grow tired of hearing the sound of her voice.  
As their skin had met, Clary had seen flashes of her life in the Shadow World and had felt her overwhelming love for the man in front of her. But she still wasn’t clear about all the details. Jace told her as much as he could about her life and their love and as he spoke the memories fit back into their places in Clary’s mind.

Jace had called in sick at the Institute for a couple days, he wanted some time alone with Clary to enjoy being near her again but also help her recuperate her memories.  
They still didn’t know how Clary had been able to push back the block the angels had placed on her mind enough to see through Jace’s glamour and then again to see his runes. She explained that she had been dreaming of strange and beautiful places and events that she had painted in an effort to understand but had never understood where the pictures came from. She had never dreamed of the people from her past life but as she showed the paintings to Jace who explained the memory that it represented. They worked like this for hours, Clary showing him sketches she had scribbled in the middle of the night and paintings that she had spent hours painting. She would describe the feelings and images that had inspired the paintings and Jace would tell her the story behind it.  
Doing this was exhausting for Clary as she had to push herself hard to fight through the block the angels had placed on her memory. Jace had tried to convince her to take it slow and rest but she was determined to remember everything.

Things took a turn for the worse a couple days later. Clary woke up to an uncomfortable weight across her waist. She had panicked at the sight of an arm holding her close and a man she didn’t recognize lying by her side.  
Jace had woken to a living nightmare. The screams had pulled him from a deep sleep and he understood what had happened within minutes of seeing the panic, fear and total lack of recognition in his love’s eyes.  
He had managed to talk her down and convince her not to call the police and listen to what he had to say. It took ten agonising minutes of stories and showing her pictures of them together from his phone for Clary’s memories to start falling back into place.  
When she had finally said his name with love and recognising before crawling into his lap and crying against his shirt, Jace let out his first proper breath since waking up to his worst nightmare.  
They spent the rest of the morning in bed, holding each and reassuring themselves that they wouldn’t lose the other.  
The truth was that they had absolutely no control over this situation and that thought terrified Jace.

Jace’s prayers were answered and Clary awoke the next morning with her memories intact.  
A couple days had passed without incident and Jace had started to hope that it had been a one off incident.  
He still hadn’t gone back to the Institute. Alec and Izzy had started getting frustrated with his lack of an explanation for his prolonged absence and he knew he would have to go back soon but he couldn’t bear the thought of leaving Clary, even for a few hours, so soon after getting her back. They had agreed to not tell the others about the return of Clary’s memories until they had a bit more information but it was starting to get hard for Clary to not be able to see her friends now that she remembered them.

Jace had gone out to buy a couple items from the shop. As much as he hated leaving Clary, they still had to eat. She was sitting on the couch when he got back home. She greeted him with a smile and a kiss before turning her attention back to the sketchbook in her hands. Jace settled down on his end of the couch, lifting Clary’s feet to sit with them in his lap.  
Looking over her shoulder at the sketch she was working on, Jace immediately recognised the deep red color and jagged scenery of Edom.  
Clary had been explaining something about colors and brush technique when she suddenly went silent causing Jace to look up from the sketch at her. This has happened a couple times before, the redhead would lose her train of thought mid sentence and Jace would have to remind her of the subject of conversation.  
Clary was staring at a fixed point in front of her, eyes unfocused before blinking and focusing on Jace who had just started to grow worried.  
“Yeah, Edom is definitely not the Brooklyn Academy of Art”  
Jace stared at Clary. She was looking at him as if they had been having a conversation but Jace hadn’t said a word and had no idea what she is talking about.  
Seemingly unconcerned by the strange statement or the worry in Jace’s eyes, Clary chuckled and continued.  
“To school?” she paused a seconde as if to consider the question. Jace growing very concerned next to her.  
“I wouldn’t trade the Shadow World for anything.” the emotion in her voice was evident but then she gave another chuckle and aimed an eye roll in Jace’s direction.  
“Before, I always felt like there was something missing. And then I met Jace outside Pandemonium and my life finally made sense.”  
If the one sided conversation had arisen Jace’s suspecions, Clary’s next statement confirmed it.  
“Besides, if none of this would have happened, you would have never met Izzy.”  
She wasn’t talking to him at all. Nor was she talking to herself. From what he had witnessed it would seem that she was reliving a conversation with Simon from when they had been in Edom to rescue Magnus and Isabelle.  
“Look, for me, becoming a Shadowhunter, it's who I was always meant to be. And even now, despite everything that we’ve been through, I feel…”  
Clary trailed off mid sentence as her eyes unfocused once again and came back to focus on Jace.  
He could see the second she came back to him. Her confusion and fear were evident and Jace did the only thing he could think of to comfort her and pulled her into the protective circle of his arms.  
Clary’s fight against the angels was clearly far from over and Jace had no idea how to help her not only win the fight but survive the battle.

Jace’s first day at the Institute was hell. He spent the days worried about Clary and a demon had gotten a little too close for comfort as a result of his distracted state. Said close call had also meant that he had to listen to ten minutes of Alec ranting about him not having his head screwed on right and needing to sort his shit out before he got himself or someone on his team seriously hurt.  
He knew that both his siblings were just concerned for his well being and he loved them for their concern but he just wanted to get home to Clary and lay in bed with her safe against his chest.

His heart warmed at the sight awaiting him when he finally got home, the stress of the day disappeared as if it never existed. Clary had fallen asleep on the sofa, book still open in her lap and reading glasses about to fall from her nose. Placing a kiss to her red hair, Jace swept her up into his arms and carried her to their bedroom. He had noticed over the last week that she had lost some weight but apart from the occasional headache she had been doing pretty well so he wasn’t too worried. As he carefully placed her on the bed, Clary woke up long enough to press a kiss to Jace’s shoulder and mumble a quick, love you, before falling back asleep.  
No matter the hard moments they had to go through, in Jace’s eyes it was all worth it for moments like these.

***

_As her eyes opened all she could see was light. It blinded her and made her wish for the dark tranquility she had just awakened from._  
_ “Good morning.”_  
_ A dark shape was blocking some of the light from the window. Clary recognised the shape of a man with his back to her. She did not know him but his voice sent shivers of fear down her spine. Sitting up to face the unknown man, her entire body protested the movement, the stiffness in her muscles indicating she had been asleep far longer than she had originally thought._  
_ “Who are you?” as the question left her lips, the events of the previous night at Lilith’s apartment came back into focus and Clary knew that something was very wrong._  
_ “Don’t you see the family resemblance?”_  
_ There it was again, the sliver of fear she had felt at his first words. She stood and tried to put some distance between herself and the man with the red hair and piercing eyes. Her eyes immediately fell on the sarcophagus in the next room. Her fear had been founded. She knew exactly who she was with._  
_ “Jonathan.” the finality of those words hit her like a death sentence. She was alone, in a place she didn’t know, with her resurrected psychopathic brother._  
_ “In the flesh. Resurrection brought back my real face.”_  
_ “Where’s Lilith?”_  
_ If Jonathan was back, then Lilith had succeeded and they had failed._  
_ “Back in Edom, where she belongs.” As that information sunk it, Clary remembered Lilith charging Simon to protect Jonathan, she remembered Simon’s mark activating and something holding her back. A hand. Jonathan’s hand._  
_ “You’ve been sleeping for days. You must be starving. How about I make you some breakfast and a nice cup of tea? I got Earl Grey, your favorite…”_  
_ Feeling like she had to regain some control over the situation, Clary walked past her brother to stand behind him, by the table. Her collarbone had been burning since she had awakened and she needed answers about the rune she knew was carved there. Pulling away the cloth covering it, she turned to Jonathan._  
_ “What did she do to me?”_  
_ He pulled back the neckline of his shirt to reveal the matching rune on his chest._  
_ “Kind of like our family emblem.”_  
_ “It’s what brought you back to life, nothing more.”_  
_ “It’s a symbol of our bond. I wouldn’t be alive without my little sister.”_  
_ “If it were up to me, it would’ve never happened.” as she tried to hide her fear and think of a way out of this situation, Clary turned away from her captor and swept the room looking for the exits. The door was on her side of the room. That was good but it was too far away for her to reach it before Jonathan could catch up with her. Moving towards the window, she pulled back the curtain instead._  
_ She hadn’t known what to expect, but this had been the last thing on her mind. All she could see was white. One thing was for such. They weren’t in New York anymore._  
_ “Where are we?”_  
_ “Siberia”_  
_ “The apartment can move?” this was bad. Very bad. She needed to escape and being in the middle of Siberia was not going to help with that. The panic had started to settle in and she needed to find a solution fast._  
_ “Cool, huh?”_  
_ “Oh all the places, why the hell Siberia?”_  
_ “Litlith sent us here to keep us safe. You’re an escaped prisoner, Clary. If the Clave found out you’re still alive, they would kill you on sight. Don’t worry. They will never find. I’ll make sure of it.”_  
_ Still alive. That must mean that the Clave thought she was dead then. And that meant only one thing. They didn’t know that she had been taken by Jonathan. They thought she has death and no one looks for the dead. No one was going to come looking for her._  
_ She was on her own._  
_ With that realisation came a second one. Jonathan as deluded as he was, thought he was protecting her. She knew that he didn’t feel love but he obviously cared. And that, she could use._  
_ “If you want a thank you, you won’t get it.”_  
_ “You don’t have to thank me. You’re my sister. I’ll do whatever it takes to protect you. You’re the only family I have.” There it was again. A sign of weakness. Family. She could tell Jonathan was desperate for it and it offered her the opportunity to escape. All she had to do was change her tactics._  
_ “I guess I could say the same thing about you. You know, I… I actually kind of am hungry. How about that breakfast? “_  
_ “Of course. Coming right up.”_  
_ This was it, this was her chance. The door was just across the room, Jonathan was out of sight getting food. She had to run. Better to take her chances outside than stay a minute longer with the monster who had caused her so much harm._  
_ Grabbing a cloak on her way, she was at the door. It was the elevator door from Lilith’s apartment. The button didn’t work but she wasn’t going to let that stop her. She had just managed to force the door open, when she heard his voice behind her._  
_ “Clary, come on. You can’t go out there. You’ll never survive.”_  
_ Clary would rather die in the cold, free than stay at her brother’s mercy. She had always been a fighter and she wasn’t going to stop now._  
_ “Watch me!”_  
_ She was out. She was free and she wasn’t about to get caught. And so she ran. The snow was deep and every step was exhausting. The cold burning every inch of her skin but she refused to stop. She ran._  
_ Her body screamed for her to stop but her fear had finally taken over and she could face the idea of being caught again._  
_ Her lungs burned and her face was raw but when she looked back she could still see the dark figure walking camly behind her and she couldn’t stop._

_Her head was spinning and every breath was torture. She didn’t know how long she had been running but as she looked around all she could see was snow and mountains. She was far from free. As that thought registered in her brain, her legs bucked, unable to hold her up any longer and she was falling._  
_ She fell for what felt like an eternity. The hard ground was mercyless against her tortured body but she felt none of it._  
_ The fear had finally vanished and she felt nothing. She had reached the bottom of the hill. The falling stopped and she lay in the cold snow. The sky was as white as the snow beneath her and as the corners of her vision started to darken she knew that she wouldn’t be getting back up._

_Clary jerked upright. She was warm. She was lying in her bed, Jace’s warm body next to her. She was safe. And yet she couldn’t fight the overwhelming fear that had taken over._

***

Clary never told Jace about the dream, she knew would how hard those couple of days had been on him and he was already so worried for her. She could see the way his eyes would follow her every movement and how exhausted he would be when he returned from the Institute.  
The reason for Jace’s increasing worry was Clary’s heath. She was struggling to maintain an appetite and as a result was visibly losing weight. Her headaches had increased in both regularity and strength. And she had been having some troubles with her short term memory. She would often forget what they had been talking about, mid conversation and Jace had noticed that she struggled to locate certain items around the apartment.

As Jace’s worry grew so did a recurring thought that he couldn’t bear to face but also couldn’t get out of his mind.  
After several hard nights when Jace had come home from work to a confused Clary who didn’t know where she was or who he was or had gotten him confused with other people, one time coming at him with a butter knife, convinced she was faced with her father, Valentine, the pair had come to the conclusion what Clary’s memories would fade with time if she wasn’t constantly exposed to reminders of her past life.  
After a blissfully quiet day, Jace sat across his lover on the sofa and asked to talk. He knew how the fiery redhead opposite him would react to what he had to say but he had to come clean about his thoughts.  
“You know how much I love you, and I only want what is best for you…” he was cut off by Clary’s fingers at his jaw, lifting his face up so that she could meet his eyes.  
“I love you too Jace. Being with you is the best thing that's ever happened to me.”  
Pressing a kiss to the back of the hand he held in his, Jace stared into the deep green depths of his love’s eyes.  
“I just can’t stop thinking that you would be better off moving on with your life without me. I mean you were happy when you were at the Brooklyn Academy of Art, you could go back to that life. Being with me is just hurting you.”  
“Do you remember our first proper date? What you told me after? That’s how I feel about you. I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you Jace. You’re special. Everything about you. Like how you twirl your stele when your nervous and think no one is looking. Like how you always check your gear twice before leaving the apartment. But more than that, it’s how you always care so much about others, about me.”  
His chest tight with sobbs and full of love, Jace did the only thing he could and kissed the woman he loved so dearly.  
He knew that the conversation wasn’t over but for that night they just basking in their love and forgot about their worries, if only for a few hours.

***

Jace had an early briefing the next morning and left early while Clary still slept, a note on the bedside table for her and fresh coffee in the kitchen.  
She had awoken in the late morning to an empty bed but had quickly seen the note by her head explaining she had looked so peaceful and Jace could bear to disturb her. He loved her and would see her in the evening.  
Collecting a cup of coffee from the kitchen, Clary moved around the apartment straightening out some cushions when her vision blurred and her cup slipped out of her hands and crashed to the ground.

_She hadn’t seen him coming. She hadn’t been prepared. Jace had turned when he heard footsteps behind him, the knife stabbing straight to his heart._  
_ “I’m sorry son. I had to.”_  
_ She watched unable to move as Valentine guided Jace down to the ground._  
_ She ran to him, falling to her knees by his side._  
_ “I’m so sorry Clary.”_  
_ “Oh, hey...save your breath, okay? Don’t say anything. You need your strength. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay.”_  
_ “I love you” Clary had been waiting for so long to hear those words. Her whole life, but not like this. Never like this. This was ripping at her soul and shattering her heart._  
_ “Don’t close your eyes. Jace, don’t close your eyes. Hey, no! Stay with me. Please stay with me. Please. Just look at me. Just look at me.”_  
_ She felt his heartbeat sturer and stop under her palm._  
_ “No. No.” her world torn to pieces as her pain ripped through her and out of her mouth in a scream of pure despair and lost love._  
_ “Jace, come back, please! Come back.”_  
_ “Clarissa, I… I’m sorry. I had no choice. The two of you together are too dangerous.”_  
_ Her heart broken and her head desperately trying to make the whole situation disappear, those words struck deep in her soul and all her pain moved to pool around one thought. Revenge. He had destroyed her and she would return the favor._

_She woke up, head spinning, bounded on the ground by Jace’s body._  
_ “Ave atque vale.”_  
_ After all they had done to stop this. All she had lost. This couldn’t be how they lost. How she lost._  
_ “Your stele…”_  
_ Jace had always been there to help her and it seemed fitting what he would still be able to help her now._  
_ The hits came hard. The ground crashing into her as she was thrown away from her target. She couldn’t allow him to defeat her. She had to stop him. For the Downworld. For her mother. For Jace._  
_ The knife was laying on the ground next to her. One swing and he was gasping for air, blood flowing from the gash in his throat. Another hit and he was on his knees. Two more and she could see the fear in his eyes._  
_ She kicked him down and watched as he fell to the ground and the life slowly bled out of his eyes._  
_ She had killed Valentine._  
_ She was a murderer._  
_ And an orphan._  
_ She had gotten her revenge._

Jace arrived home to find Clary curled into a tight ball on the ground, crying and muttering to herself.  
“Hey. Hey. what’s wrong? Are you okay? Clary, please tell me you’re alright.” still curled into herself, face hidden under her arm, the crying girl answered.  
“I lost him. Valentine. He killed him, and tried to raise the angel but then I killed him. And now they’re dead. They’re dead. Jace is dead. And I never got to say it back.”  
“Clary, look at me. I’m right here. Look at me please. I’m not dead, you brought me back remember? After killing Valentine, you used the wish from the angel and brought me back.”  
Pulling her arms away from her face, Jace held Clary until her sobbs slowed and she calmed down.  
“What happened? Clary, please talk to me.”  
“I don’t know. I was just tidying up when everything went black and I was back at Lake Lin. It wasn’t just a memory, it was like I was reliving it for the first time. You died and then i killed Valentine but then i was just stuck in that moment after. Standing between your two dead bodies. I couldn’t get out or remember anything else until you came back.”  
Jace couldn’t process what was happening. His love was hurting and he had no idea how to help her. No way to make it better. He could only watch as she was slowly destroyed.

That night as he held his sleeping angel in his arms he prayed that her suffering would end. He just wanted to see her happy and as much as he loved her, he could see that as punishment for going against their will, the angels were slowly destroying his love before his very eyes.

Over the next couple weeks her headaches grew so severe she couldn’t bear to sit up at times and she would forget more and more details about her past and present life. It had broken his heart when she had begged him to bring her Jocelyn, the pain that had washed over her face went she remembered she couldn’t never have her mother’s comfort again.  
He prayed that she could be happy and carefree, as she had been when they had first met. Before the weight of the world and far too many loses had weighed her down.  
As he prayed, he knew his efforts were useless but he couldn’t do nothing and he couldn’t yet face the one option he still had. An option he knew would destroy him.  
Self destruction to insure the safety of his love.  
The days passed and he couldn’t ignore that the price seemed fair.

***

The three months he had gotten to spend with Clary had been the hardest but also the happiest moments of his life.  
The world was bleak and colorless pitt when he stared into eyes he knew so well but did not recognize him but when love and adoration shone from those very same eyes, his world was alight with so many colors, a bright whirlwind of light and color that brought meaning to his life.

If losing her had broken him, the idea of a world without her brilliant light was unimaginable.  
He knew what he had to do but when he entered the small apartment he and Clary called home, he was thrown by the familiar song coming from the stereo. Clary often played music when she was painting or just resting on the couch.  
This song however he recognised immediately.  
“.._.I must be dreaming. That I’m the one to take you back away_....”  
Hearing their song again brought it all flooding back. And now he knew what he had to do.  
Jace walked into the room, catching Clary’s attention and extended his hand out for her to take. He didn’t know how much she currently remembered. She obviously recognised him and for the moment, that was enough.  
Pulling her out of the chair and into the middle of the room. Spinning her under his arm, he pulls her tight to his chest. His arms fit naturally around her waist as hers made their way around his neck, hands tangling in his hair and his rommed the expanse of her back. As they swayed to the beat of the familiar song, Clary presses her face into the crook of his neck and Jace has to fight back his tears.  
If this conversation had been Clary’s goodbye to him before the angels took her from him, this time it would be his goodbye to her.  
If she remembered the moment they were currently reenacting or was just acting on instinct, he couldn’t bear to leave without knowing she would remember his words for a little while longer even if it was only a couple hours.  
Clary tight against his chest, he repeated the words he had spoken what felt like a lifetime ago and had been ever since been branded on his heart.  
“Being here with you made me think. I was brought up to believe I had to be perfect. The perfect warrior. The perfect soldier. The perfect son. Even when I came to live with the Lightwoods I believed that if I wasn’t perfect they would send me away.”  
As Clary moved away in order to see his face, the love and confusion he saw written there hit him hard.  
“I didn’t think anyone could love me unconditionally. No matter the mistakes I have made. And then you showed up and you broke everything I believed into pieces.”  
Holding his breath, he waited to see how Clary would answer. Did she remember having this conversation before? Would she repeat her words from that night?  
Reaching up to stroke his hair, a happy and mischievous smile painted across her face, the redhead said two words that made Jace’s heart soar.  
“I’m sorry.”  
“Oh don’t be. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me Clary Fairchild.”  
“Every single cell in my body loves you. And when those cells die and new ones are born those cells will you even more. So, Jace. No matter what happens, my love for you will never die.”  
The couple sway to the music, tears flowing down their checks as they stare into each other's eyes. Those words had been Clary’s goodbye to him when she had been preparing to lose him. He wondered if she realised that this time had been his way of doing the same. If she knew she was saying goodbye to him one final time.  
They had kissed and danced till the end of the song when Clary had started to feel tired and Jace had carried her to their bed.  
He took a minute to sit by her and stroke her hair as she slept. Memorizing every feature of her angelic face so that he could carry her with him always.  
With one last feather light kiss to her forehead, he turned off the lights and left the room.  
Taking a moment to collect all his possessions and items that could point at his presence in the apartment, he stood at the door with his bag over his shoulder. The room looked empty and he could feel the pain fighting to overcome him. He had to leave soon. Before he broke down.  
Whispering the four words he had been unable to say to Clary, he stepped out of the door and disappeared into the night. Never too return.  
“I love you too.”


	2. Forgetting You.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace.  
She had been looking for Jace. It had been important. She had to find him before it was too late, but too late for what? It was Jace, he would be back, he lived here after all. She would have some breakfast and call him after. It would be fine. Nothing bad was going to happen.

She was cold. That was the first thought that registered when she woke. She turned to the side, searching for the comfortable warmth that Jace always provided however, his side of the bed was empty. Cold to the touch, he had been gone for a while. Clary got out of bed, she was wearing pyjamas that she didn’t remember changing into, her clothes neatly folded on the chair in the corner of the room. 

She remembered dancing in the living room. Jace’s arms tight around her waist but she wished he would hold her even tighter. She had felt so safe. Then he started talking, she had known the words, the confession of love that hit like a goodbye.  
She remembered now, she had spoken those words once before. It felt like a lifetime ago. A wedding, the perfect celebration of life and love. Two people she loved dearly, proudly sharing their love with the world. And yet it had been the end. Saying goodbye to Simon. To Jace. Walking out into the cold night.  
Why had they repeated those words last night. Where was Jace?

The living room felt too empty. Jace wasn’t anywhere to be seen but it went further than that. The room seemed bare, a book missing from the shelf, no dirty boots in the corner by the door. It didn’t feel quite right and she just couldn’t place what was missing. The room was tidy, all her stuff was were it belonged. She felt like she was missing one vital piece of information. It was right in front of her but she just couldn’t figure it out.  
She needed to find Jace. Time was running out. She didn’t quite know why it was so urgent but she couldn’t ignore the feeling that something bad was about to happen. Jace would make it all better, she just had to find him. The bareness of the room scared her. Where was Jace’s leather jacket? The mug he always forgot to put in the sink after his morning coffee. 

Now that she looked around the room she couldn’t see any signs of the man she loved. He had been living here for three months, surely she should be able to find a trace that he had indeed been here. She sometimes struggled distinguishing between reality and memories but she remembered Jace perfectly. The warmth of his embrace as he held her, the sound of his voice when he told her he loved her.  
Of course he was real. He had to be.

She was alone in a dimly lit park. It was night. She was wearing a fancy red dress and strappy heels. Her checks were still wet from her tears. And yet, she didn’t know how she had gotten here, from her outfit she had clearly been at some kind of event. Why was she out in the cold, alone? Why had she been crying?  
Her skin felt bare. Like something was missing.  
She didn’t know where she was or what had happened but a deep feeling of loss threatened to crush her and she felt fresh tears run down her tear stained face. 

No, she wasn’t in a park. She was home, she was home in her apartment. She had been looking for something. What could it have been? Something was missing.

Jace.  
She had been looking for Jace. It had been important. She had to find him before it was too late, but too late for what? It was Jace, he would be back, he lived here after all. She would have some breakfast and call him after. It would be fine. Nothing bad was going to happen. 

As she finished cleaning her plate, half an hour later, she couldn’t help but feel she had forgotten to do something. She really needed to write stuff down, she was always forgetting things. Clary looked at the clock and realised that she was going to be late for class if she didn’t hurry up.  
It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and the birds singing. The task she had forgotten still bothered her but she was sure it couldn’t have been that important if she had forgotten.  
Maureen was waiting for her in front of the school. They went to their first class together as they did every day.

Clary looked at the sketch she had been working on. Two figures dancing. They didn’t have faces. She wasn’t sure why she had drawn it.  
“Hey, are you okay?” Clary turned to see Maureen watching her with a concerned smile.  
“I’m fine. I just can’t shake this feeling that I was supposed to do something.”  
“Do what?”  
“I can’t remember.” as she said the words she couldn’t help the feeling that something terrible had happened. She had failed. She had forgotten.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, sorry for the pain.  
Feel free to come and shout at me on twitter @Kennedy15769680.  
❤❤❤


End file.
